Ideas on how to Write a Non-Monogamous Dating Profile | Autostraddle

Writing a lesbian, bisexual or queer internet dating profile — whether on an app like Tinder or HER, or on a website like OkCupid — may be especially anxiety-inducing if you are into renewable relationships. Do you really place that you’re non-monogamous inside profile, or wait until you fulfill men and women to discuss it? Do you actually announce that you are currently in several relationships? Would you feature pictures of one’s partners? What if you and your sweetheart need get a hold of a unicorn for a periodic guest star role, as well as how do you really generate a profile it doesn’t be removed as weird or tacky? Whenever swiping through thirsty masses, what red flags if you be aware of?

Listed here is just how to travel your own ethical consensually non-monogamous, polyamorous, open, unicorn or other things that flag in your internet dating profile which means you get the best feasible relationships.

1. Put your commitment style within profile, specifically if you’re looking for over gender.

Lead by what you’re available for! My personal Tinder profile highlights my polyamorous identification, along with all my identities, in 1st line: „i am a queer white perverted polyamorous change in two loyal LTRs, and I am mostly into trans grrrls and MoC folks.” This sets me upwards for maximum success because it automatically deters racists, vanilla individuals, heterosexual cisgender folks and monogamous people. You can also take to outlines like: „I have many different kinds of connections in a large amount places, and I’m thrilled observe what kind of relationship i really could have with another person,” „poly/open, you need to be also,” or „firmly poly/ethically non-monogamous.”

If you do not enable it to be blatantly apparent, especially in users geared towards relationships, you are limited for non-monogamous contacts, you risk being implicated to be „deceitful,” „fooling” or „wasting enough time of” monogamous matches you follow up with. In order to tell the truth, I do not blame those people one bit! Time is actually limited. If I had been seeking a monogamous devotion and my match waited before the end in our basic supper big date to say that she was actually non-monogamous, my personal mind would immediately run-through all of the other methods I could have spent the period.

For a hook-up profile — like one on Grindr — may possibly not be important to list exacltly what the preferred commitment looks are one of the ways and/or other, if you don’t’re notorious for catching fast feels after linking sexually.

2. end up being clear concerning the style of relationship(s) you are prepared for.

Specificity is vital for all non-monogamous men and women on prowl. „Non-monogamy” is actually an umbrella phrase that includes a lot of ideas. You will find lots of methods to perform lesbian, bisexual and queer non-monogamous relationships, therefore the much more particular obtain, the greater. If you’re a relationship anarchist or a swinger, for example, say-so. In general, its typically best that you point out should you decide engage in hierarchical non-monogamy, incase thus whether or not you currently have a primary partner.

Whatever language make use of, remember that men and women have various working descriptions centered on age, geographic place, race, ethnicity, sexual direction, etc., and this’s all set into any possible communication with as few presumptions as humanly possible both about how precisely some other person makes use of a term and about their understanding of how you make use of it.

For example, if I’m taking a trip for work and just in an urban area for a few times, my seeing profile might study: „merely in town when it comes down to weekend! Wanting brand new erotic friendships and hook-up buddies who would like to keep in touch.” Simply composing that I’m in a „long phrase union” won’t be enough information, since each long-term commitment looks different from the next and you are maybe not in fact saying what you are able get right up to or otherwise not.

3. indicate your own partners’ users if applicable.

Many people utilize the tag „non-monogamous” dishonestly because of the purpose of gaining improved usage of even more intimate lovers. They in many cases are in monogamous responsibilities IRL yet advertise by themselves as non-monogamous using the internet in order to have their unique cake and consume it as well, & most individuals in honest, clear, consensual non-monogamy desire NO PART of that cheating bullshit.

To assure feasible matches that you really go the stroll, consider as well as your associates inside profile, in both book — try „I’m in a wonderful main union with an incredible queer femme” or „i am in a loyal commitment with a fantastic bisexual guy just who really likes watching myself get my needs met” — along with photo! I usually include a photo of myself personally using my associates alongside the unicamente pictures We post to show down. Incentive factors if the partner(s) make use of the exact same dating software and url to their own pages; this gives you an even of reliability which super attractive to non-monogamy beginners.

4. Just remember that , sometimes discretion is legitimate.

Despite every little thing I stated earlier, there are many genuine the explanation why men and women may well not come out as non-monogamous within their online dating users. Some people are on Tinder for only platonic relationships (hey, it occurs!), or have a position in a traditional industry plus don’t want colleagues observe them recognize as non-monogamous on OkCupid, or have children and tend to be nervous a partner might use polyamory to prove they are an „unfit moms and dad” in a custody conflict. If you would like leave your alternate relationship design from your profile, We strongly recommend such as it — in addition to the reason behind the lack from your profile — in the first information you send a match. Attempt something such as: „hi! Thanks a lot plenty for reaching out to me personally — I happened to be really interested in [something extremely certain] on your own profile. I do believe in absolute visibility with internet dating, and I desired one to know straight away that I’m not currently available for monogamous obligations. We engage in ethical non-monogamy with openness and pride, but i am caught in this traditional job in which i cannot exposure marketing and advertising that on a profile that a coworker can find! Hope you realize.”

5. Watch out for red flags.

Specifically:

    • Those people who are „trying out” non-monogamy. You dont want to be anyone’s experiment.
    • Individuals who are new to non-monogamy but haven’t taken the effort to teach on their own through text, podcasts, workshops, conversation groups, etc. This suggests inactivity and a predisposition against private growth.
    • Lovers shopping for unicorns. More about that below.
    • Men and women advertising that they are only available for You should not Ask Don’t inform (DADT). It may sound like a con, and sometimes is actually. Also, DADT relationships have actually a reduced chance for sustainability because they’re naturally perhaps not transparent.
    • People that identify as „solitary” and „fine with non-monogamy.” These folks hardly ever have experience with or desire to have non-monogamy and certainly will typically become challenging very fast. Whether or not it had been really section of their identification or knowledge, they will say so.

6. Unicorn looking: start with care.

„Unicorn searching” is a questionable principle. While I really don’t believe couples who wish to include a third person to their own sexual life need any shame or ridicule, you will find a particular finesse to seeking the woman away. Here are some tips and techniques to help you word your profile during the most authentic, sincere, adult possible way:

  • If you would like a unicorn, enjoy your own text. You may think you’re being pretty by composing which you as well as your lover need „spice things up!” or „add for the blend!,” it may come off as objectifying and trivializing of whatever genuine hookup you and your partner may make with some one. It’s a good idea become succinct, specific and genuine, also to label circumstances for just what they have been, as an example, „Our company is a loving couple seeking date an unique person together” or „We’re adoring girlfriends trying meet a switch! The ideal connection framework is actually a triad.”
  • If you would like approach a couple seeking a unicorn, check out the power instability. As a potential 3rd, you are often expected to be lured „equally” (not a thing) to both people into the couple, to accommodate a fixed a number of regulations ready from the couple, and „perhaps not rock the vessel,” specially by daring to speak yours boundaries (gasp!). This will be a hell of too much to ask of somebody who has more to get rid of should the couple out of the blue decide to break-off ties. The couple has one another; meanwhile, the third loses contacts with two specific intimates.
  • Lovers who want a unicorn should deconstruct precisely why unicorn looking often is filled with entitlement and unacceptable objectives before looking for a unicorn of one’s own.
  • For everybody: attempt the unicorn internet dating both individuals inside the few individually to see if everybody else clicks. Dealing with a possible next as a united top can come down as ganging up. Plus, we quite often show different edges of our selves whenever we’re within a unit vibrant than we would as soon as we’re a totally free broker, and allowing a unicorn access to all dimensions of every person may make a genuine link when all three get together.

7. take time to hold sincerity and transparency — and an open brain and not enough assumptions — in to the genuine dating process.

The real deal, however! Should you place this effort into sculpting a non-monogamous relationship profile, why self-sabotage it by losing your own directing light when you in fact link personally? If it isn’t really sufficient to keep you accountable, look at this: non-monogamous lesbians, bisexuals, and queer women and people continue to be a minority. Due to this fact, we keep in touch with each other. A LOT. Usually if one of us begins witnessing someone whon’t have good track record with previous connections, it really is merely an issue of time before our attention gets called to it. That kind of community solidarity and vigilance tend to be — if you ask me — what really distinguish non-monogamy from monogamy.



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Andre Shakti

is a queer journalist, educator, musician, activist, and pro slut living in the san francisco bay area Bay neighborhood. She is dedicated to normalizing renewable desires, de-stigmatizing sex staff members as well as their customers, and not using by herself too severely. Andre wrestles mediocre white males into submitting and writes about intercourse work, queerness and non-monogamy for

Modern, Thrillist, Rewire, MEL, Vice,

and more. She can generally be found marathoning

Legislation & Purchase: SVU

under a disorderly heap of lovers and pitbulls, and certainly, she knows exactly how problematic that demonstrate is.

Andre provides authored 3 posts for us.

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